I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize