I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
