Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
