the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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