ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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