Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
