I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
