when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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