I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
