Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
