my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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