is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
there is glitter all over my balls
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
