you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
