Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
