I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
