there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
