i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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