I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
