Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize