I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
