If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
false alarm, still single
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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