you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
