it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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