The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
