we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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