i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
