apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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