Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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