I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
