I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
