Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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