Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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