ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
