cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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