Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
