Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
