Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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