So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
