How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My hand turned me down
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
