You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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