She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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