can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
