apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
