I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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