My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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