You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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