He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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