1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
