Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
