Just fell off a train. Bad.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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