I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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