i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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