I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Every concussion has its silver lining
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
