My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
