she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
