I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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