Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
