Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
