I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
