my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
