I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
