note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
